The Profound List

Hi, great to see you again! I’m glad we have so much in common.

I’m hoping for a slow and leisurely second date where we can really spend a lot of quality time getting to know each other. So here are some of the things we might talk about on a hike through the woods, or walking around a flea market or Renaissance festival.

Some could be deal-killers for you (and that’s why they’re on the list!) If you didn’t find any deal-killers on the Facet Foreplay List, and you don’t find any here, then I’ll ask you to send me your Facet Foreplay list. So…let’s get this (necessarily one-sided) conversation going.

1. I want to create a relationship with a man who is very aware of his own wants and needs when it comes to relationships, love and sex. He should know, and be able to articulate in detail, what it will take in a relationship for him to feel loved, cherished, adored, appreciated, and wanted. In other words, I hope you’ve found yourself before you’ve found me.

2. I’m looking for a close match on both your must-have lists and mine…PLUS mindblowing chemistry. I’m looking for all four kinds of chemistry, too: Intellectual, Sexual, Emotional, and Spiritual. I think chemistry is either there or not. It’s an unfortunate fact that neither of us can control whether chemistry shows up for one or both of us—or whether it shows up at all. I think this is something that can only be discovered in person.

3. I don’t have or want kids. I don’t want to be a stepmom. (This has been the main relationship deal-killer for me — the reason I’m still single.) Motherhood is not on my agenda, and it never will be. (My parents are understandably disappointed.)

4. Long-distance relationships suck. However, dying without ever having found my True Love will suck worse, so I’m willing to attempt a long-distance relationship. I’ve been in several, and I’ve come to believe that there has to be pretty much instant chemistry for them to work. While I do believe it’s possible to fall in love with a longtime friend (I’ve done it), when it comes to long-distance logistics, the chemistry/attraction really needs to be there in the beginning…otherwise all the travel, expense, etc. makes it too much of a hassle. And I really need to see my partner in person at least once every two weeks or so to keep the momentum going. So one or (ideally) both of us should be able to travel once a month.

5. I’m incredibly geeky. I love DragonCon, a huge sci-fi/fantasy/pop culture convention that takes over downtown Atlanta every Labor Day weekend. I love science fiction. I love the kind of geek toys you find at ThinkGeek :: Stuff for Smart Masses. I love science documentaries. Carl Sagan will always be one of my heroes. I still miss Omni Magazine. However, I’m not a gamer. Not into video games or RPGs or anything like that (go figure.) It’s okay if my soulmate is, as long as he spends enough time in the real world for us to have a real relationship.

6. Personality-type-wise, I’m Myers-Briggs INTP or INTJ (my P/J axis is about equal.) I’m very introverted, and at this time in my life, I spend the vast majority of my time alone. This is not a problem for me. In fact, I need alone-time to recharge, because being around a lot of people drains me if I have to interact with them. I will still need a lot of space, even in a romantic relationship. Maybe not at first, but eventually.

7. Dancing is hugely important to me. When I’m dancing is when I feel most alive, most present and most true to who I am. I have literally danced for 12 hours out of 24 (BLISS), although I pay for it for days afterwards. Oh, but it’s soooo worth it! My favorite dances are Balboa (absolutely dreamy), Lindy Hop, and Samba. I also love a good Polka (I can’t polka without laughing), and nothing is more romantic than a waltz. I once slow-danced to an entire Norah Jones album. (Heaven!) I’m a kinesthetic person by nature, and I learn best through movement and feelings. It’s not mandatory that my Hero learn how to dance…but it is mandatory that he understand how much it means to me and why I’m willing to devote so much time to it.

8. I run my own marketing and public relations business. I’ve been working in those fields for 19 years, and ended up here entirely by accident. But I love to write, and I love to persuade…so I’ve found a great home in the marketing and PR worlds. I also have a soft spot for real estate — especially restoring or renovating historic homes. But my actual degree is a BFA in directing/stage management (for live theatre). I wrote my undergraduate thesis on the textual history of Hamlet (did you know there are three extant versions? Award yourself 50 points!)

9. Lifestyle-wise, I’ve been working from home for a couple of years now, and for the most part, I absolutely love it. Because of the nature of what I do for a living, I can work anywhere, as long as I have electricity and Internet access. I love the flexibility. But the trade-off is that I never know how much money I’ll earn in a given month. That can be terrifying. But so far, not terrifying enough to make me get a “real job.” Because I’m doing everything (from the new business development to taking out the trash) I put in a lot of hours. This next year (should the economy not completely go in the toilet) I hope to hire a couple of contractors to help me.

10. Within the next few years, I want to establish a number of passive income streams (from real estate, investing, whatever) so that I only have to actively work about 1/3 of the time to support myself. I want to spend the rest of the time traveling, goofing off, and volunteering for causes I believe in. (Oh, and making hot monkey love with my Hero.)

11. I am an OLD-FASHIONED ROMANTIC. My Hero is at least as romantic as I am. In spite of years of feminist brainwashing, I believe it is very manly of the man to take care of the people who are important to him. I believe it is very womanly of the woman to graciously accept gestures of courtship such as having doors opened, chairs pulled out, suit jackets slung about them when they appear cold, etc. I believe that the man should ask the woman out on dates, and he should pay. (NOTE: I don’t mean the man should pay forever…I just think that picking up the tab is a romantic courtship gesture.) I believe that men and women are different, and that masculinity is fabulous. I love men who are proud, not apologetic, to be men. (However, when it comes to jobs, careers, etc. I definitely believe in equality of opportunity — but that the most qualified person should get the job.)

12. I listen to a hypnosis CD nearly every day, last thing at night or first thing in the morning. It’s part of my almost-daily personal growth mission. And hypnosis is like a roto-rooter for the subconscious. I find psychology and related fields (NLP, transactional analysis, etc.) intensely interesting. And because these things have really helped me become a much happier and healthier person, I tend to evangelize about them. Just tell me if it gets to be to much.

13. Generally (very generally) speaking, I believe religions to be human constructs which may have little or nothing to do with actual deities (should they/it exist). Some religions appear to be mostly harmless and life-affirming, but most seem to be guilt-fueled mind control organizations. (One positive experience I had last year: a service at Agape, a non-denominational “spiritual community” in Los Angeles. Uplifting service, good messages. A very loving and kind bunch of people.)

14. I don’t tend to get along well with highly religious people. (There are exceptions, of course.) Dogmatism is a real turn-off for me (and not just in the realm of religion, either.) I hate it when a human being tells me I’m going to hell, because it seems to me, if there is a god, that’s Her decision. I also have a problem with people who are dogmatically atheist…because it’s not logically possible to prove a negative. When people ask, though, I say that I’m a Pastafarian. I worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster (all hail FSM!) and dress like a Pirate as often as possible. If you don’t immediately feel the starchy touch of His Noodly Appendage (i.e. “get the joke”) after reading about my religion, we’re really not a match. Yaaaaar and RAmen!

15. It’s really, really important that my Hero be at least as intelligent as I am. I have an abnormally high IQ (135ish) but a lot of “absent-minded-professor” tendencies. Sometimes, when I feel out of my element, my social skills desert me and I find “small talk” and “chit chat” to be almost traumatically difficult to pull off. That’s one of the reasons I love to dance…it’s all non-verbal communication.

16. I’m often mistaken for “one of the guys” when it comes to mechanical aptitude. I was probably exposed to too much testosterone in the womb. I don’t at all mind getting dirty—I just don’t like staying that way. I love power tools, shooting my Glock and analytical conversations, and couldn’t care less for talk of babies and other stereotypical girly things (such as current fashion trends). I get a huge amount of satisfaction from doing home improvement projects. Doing one with my partner is awesome! I am, however, pretty dumb about cars…ironic, because my dad has built race cars from scratch and I’ve been around automotive stuff all my life.

17. My relationship experience is…unusual. I was in an on-again, off-again relationship for 12 years, that was based on mindblowing sexual chemistry and not much else. We tried over and over to turn it into a real relationship, but we just didn’t have enough non-sexy stuff in common. Luckily, when we were off-again, he fell in love with and married someone else…forcing us to finally get to know each other on a friendship level. He has since become my very best friend. And we’re finally over each other, although, when I’m feeling bloated or dumpy, I call him for an ego boost and he assures me that I’m still sexy. (It’s comforting to know that, until I find my Hero, there will always be at least one man in the world who thinks I’m sexy.)

18. Most of my other relationships have been brief…no more than a few months. And most have been long-distance relationships. So, compared to most women my age, I’m relatively inexperienced in a lot of ways. I have a lot to learn, so I’m looking for a great teacher. (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)

19. I have been engaged, but never married. I have never cohabited. My on-again, off-again honey and I rarely slept together (we worked different shifts), and most of my other relationships were long distance, so I have very little experience sharing the covers. I find it really, really difficult to sleep with someone in the same bed, especially if he snores. It’s possible I could get better at it with practice (the sleeping together part, not the snoring part.)

20. About 13 years ago I went through a series of traumas that led to profound clinical depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and memory loss. I don’t remember 1996 or 1997 (I am told that I didn’t miss much.) Lots of therapy, psychotropic drugs, and self-improvement courses have led me to a much healthier mental state. The experience also led me on a path of nearly constant self- improvement. Emotional and mental health are extremely important to me, and they are a MUST-HAVE in a partner. Occasionally, under stress, or when I’m really tired, my memory blanks out. It’s annoying, but there’s not much I can do about it.

22. My parents are both in poor physical condition due to bad lifestyle choices. They’ve aged prematurely, and their health will probably continue to deteriorate over the next few years. I am endeavoring to lead a healthier lifestyle so I don’t experience diabetes and heart disease as they have. However, I could always do better.

23. I have one sibling, a brother who’s a year younger. We do not get along. He lives in another state and we rarely speak. I envy people who have really close-knit, loving and supportive relationships with their siblings and parents.

24. What I’m NOT INTERESTED IN and will walk away from if I find it in a partner: ANY kind of illegal drug use/addiction; alcoholism; players seeking one-night stands; misogynists; communicable diseases; “fixer-uppers” (I’m referring to men, of course); mama’s boys; emotional games, clutter to the point of hoarding; lack of ambition; couch potatohood/TV/video game addiction; extreme overweight (I’m not skinny myself, but I am fit, strong and flexible); denial; poor hygiene; stagnation; utter lack of self-awareness; Vegans (nothing against you…but as long as there’s Honey Baked Ham in the world, I’ll be a carnivore); inattentiveness; sexual selfishness; negativity; incongruent words and actions (saying one thing, doing another); bigotry; passive-aggression; poverty mentality; lying or deception; childishness; intense insecurity; eco-terrorism, PETA activists, lack of curiosity; viciousness; rage; reality deficit disorder; gun control freaks, Turbo Christians (if you don’t listen to Neal Boortz, you may not get this reference.)

All of this will give you a sense of the very unique and special Hero I am seeking and whether you and I might be a VERY close mutual match. Please understand that the man I describe in my wish lists is no more perfect than I am. But those lists are a tool that will help me find the right, real-life Soulmate and build a relationship in which two imperfect people can find perfection in each others hearts, minds, and arms.

As I said before, I am willing to wait until I find that one, most special, man who will probably be as far from perfect as I am. But that won’t matter — he and I will be perfect for each other.

Not a match? I’m not surprised. My Hero is a rare man indeed. But thanks for playing!

Think you could be My Hero? Use my handy, if ugly, online Soulmate Application form to tell me more about yourself.