I Feel Gritty
from Westron Side Story
(Sung by Aragorn in the heat of the battle of Helm’s Deep. )
I feel gritty,
Oh, so gritty,
It’s a pity this ditty’s so trite
I’m too busy
Killing Orcs to have the time to write.
I feel fearless, [stabs Orc]
Oh so fearless, [decapitates Orc]
It’s just peerless how fearless I feel!
So ferocious [slash!]
That I hardly can believe I’m real.
See the rotten Orc on that ladder there:
He would be a good one to slay
Such a gritty axe, [knocks Orc's weapon out of his hand]
Such a gritty shield, [slashes shield out of Orc's hand]
Such a gritty helm, [cleaves Orc's helm in twain]
Such a gritty day!
I feel knightly [Orc groans]
I hold tightly [Orc screams]
To my Narsil as we go to war!
Such a slaughter
Old Helm’s Deep has never seen before!
(Men of Rohan)
La la la la, la la la la la la, etc.
I feel dauntless [stab]
And so gallant, [slash]
I’ve a talent for killing my foes!
For I’m King, [stabs Narsil into the sky]
And I laugh as the Uruk blood flows! [Orcs throw selves off battlements in terror]
“I’d like to teach the world to moan”
Sung to the tune of “I’d Like To Teach The World To Sing”
I’d like to build the world a cage
And do away with love
Crush apple trees and honey bees, kill snow-white turtle doves
I’d like to teach the world to moan
In perfect misery
I’d like to crush it in my fist and keep it all for me
I’d like to see the world for once
All cowering on their knees
And hear sobs echo through the hills, ignoring mercy pleas
(That’s the song I hear)
I’d like to teach the world to moan (that the world sings today)
In perfect misery
Id like to build the world a cage
And do away with love
Crush apple trees and honey bees, kill snow-white turtle doves
And a few Burma Shave signs….
That Ranger’s face
Looks stern and grave
He’d smile more
With Burma Shave
Our profits soon
Would look so sweet
If Hobbits chose
To shave their feet
Burma Shave
You will see
A Hobbit thin
As seldom as
A Wizard’s chin
Burma Shave
A two-faced man
Is Tirith’s lord…
He’s shaving with
A two-edged sword
Burma Shave
That Legolas,
So smooth of cheek
Makes women swoon
Their knees go weak
Burma Shave
On Gimli’s cheek
No razor glides
Can’t tell the Dwarf men
From their brides.
Burma Shave
This is a batch of Lord of the Rings parodies I wrote back in aught-five. Ah, good times!
“Moria”
From the new musical, Westron Side Story
With apologies to Tolkien, Sondheim & Bernstein (Hey–sounds like a law firm.)
(Legolas)
Moria!
The most hideous place that I’ve ever been
Moria, Moria, Moria, Moria…
A more hideous horde of fell beasts I have never seen
Moria, Moria, Moria, Moria…
Moria, I just left a mine called Moria!
And suddenly that name
Will never be the same
To me.
Moria!
I’ve just left a pit called Moria.
A Balrog straight from hell
Where Grey Mithrandir fell,
We flee!
Moria!
Orcs and goblins and cave trolls for slaying…
Khazad-dum—dwarves are crazy for staying.
Moria!
I’ll never stop cursing Moria.
The most hideous place that I’ve ever been
Moria!
“It’s The Ring That I Want”
From Grease
I’ve got Orcs, they’re multiplyin’
And I’m gainin’ control
Cuz the power they’re supplyin’
It’s so Eye-defyin’! (Eye-defyin’, Eye-defyin’)
Better give up…
Uruk-Hai will crush (Uruk-Hai will crush)
Anyone who’s in my way
Better give up…
Cuz I’m gonna prove (better prove)
The Riddermark is mine today!
(Mine today, the Riddermark is mine today)
It’s the Ring that I want
(It is the One I want
Oooh, oooh, ooh, Power!)
The Ring that I want
(It is the One I want
Oooh, oooh, ooh, Power!)
It’s the Ring that I want
It is the One I want
Oooh, oooh, ooh, it’s what I need, oh yes indeed!
I’ve got Grima the Wormtongue
Edoras in my sway,
Isengard is gonna crush them
(gonna crush them, gonna crush them)
Better give up…
The White Hand will smite (Hand will smite)
Stable-brats like Theoden!
Better give up…
Cuz my Uruk-Hai (Uruk-Hai)
They will clear Rohan of Men!
(end their rule, they will end the rule of Men)
It’s the Ring that I want
(It is the One I want
Oooh, oooh, ooh, Power!)
The Ring that I want
(It is the One I want
Oooh, oooh, ooh, Power!)
It’s the Ring that I want
It is the One I want
Oooh, oooh, ooh, it’s what I need, oh yes indeed!
“ONE”
From “A Chorus Ring”
Sung by Frodo, Sam and Company.
(All—indicating Frodo.)
ONE
Ringular sensation,
Ev’ry little step he takes.
ONE
Thrilling combination—
The Fellowship ‘til it breaks.
One quest Galadriel says no one else can do,
(Frodo to Sam)
I know we’ll make it to Mordor with You Know Who!
(Fellowship & Sam to Frodo)
ONE
Moment in its presence, and you can expect the worst.
For the Ring is evil—curs’d! So run, son.
(Frodo)
Ooh! Cry!
Nazgul’s flying higher!
Can I
Throw it in the fire?
(All)
It’s the…
ONE!
The Brady Bunch
Here’s the story
Of a lad called Frodo
Who was raised by Bilbo Baggins in the Shire
And the One Ring that was made to rule all others…
Destroyed in Mount Doom’s fires.
Here’s the story
Of a Ranger, Strider
Who was busy wooing Arwen Evenstar
Heir to Isildur, his sword was Narsil,
He’d traveled very far.
He said to Frodo, “if by life or death—I’ll save you.
You have my sword.” “My bow!” “My axe!” the others said.
Hobbits, Men, an Elf, a Dwarf, and yes, a wizard…
That’s the way they all became the Fellowship.
The Fellowship,
The Fellowship,
That’s the way they all became the Fellowship.
I set up this process to save time.
I work a lot of hours, and time is precious to me. So “casual dating” hasn’t made a lot of sense for me. Why would I want to “hang out” with someone I have nothing in common with (which is the traditional dating model.)
Well, I don’t want to “hang out” with someone I have nothing in common with. But I am much more okay with the idea of just “hanging out.” As work pressures increase, I find that I have more of a need for relaxation that involved doing absolutely nothing productive. (Yes, I admit I’ve been hitting the historical romance novels pretty hard lately.)
I’m not backing off on my standards (I won’t be dating any Obama voters, for example) but I am interested in a more casual approach…just doing a few non-work-related things a week has a big appeal to it.
It’s this work/life balance thing I’ve been hearing about.
Yes, I’m still looking for True Love. But I’m also just a girl. And girls just wanna have fun. 
Whew…what a spring and summer it has been. Many, many character-building experiences. Lots of awesome business successes, but no dates since May. Hell, I’ve barely left the house since May! The long days got ridiculous, and I had some personal setbacks along the way which have made a hermit-like existence seem very appealing.
But as I look at the 30 big pots of flowers and vegetables on my back deck, and look at the unused-for-a-year handcrafted firepit, I think to myself, “well, there are two chairs on the deck. It would be nice if a sexy male butt was in one of them.”
I’m looking forward to taking a couple of weeks off in September, and heading out to California to see my aunt in Hemet and my biz partner in Newport Beach. And maybe have a date. Yeah, a date. That sounds cool.
And now…I’m starting my second shift for the day.
If you’re a wealthy single man ready to take me away from all this, now’s good for me. 
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